Promoted over a peer
There's a specific work relationship that many leaders know but few openly talk about: the one with the former peer who was up for the same promotion you got.
They're still on the team, still good at their job, and you both know they could’ve gotten the role you're in now.
What many new leaders do is one of three things (or bounce between them):
❌ Pretend the situation doesn't exist and act normal, which the other person almost always reads as obliviousness;
❌ Over-invest in being supportive (extra time, extra opportunities, extra praise) which can come across as “guilt management;”
❌ Quietly avoid the person, which is the worst option of all because it confirms the worst story they could be telling themselves - that they deserved the promotion (and you know it, too).
The approach I'd recommend is a direct one, early. Acknowledge the changed dynamic, signal genuine investment, open a door.
Here are some options:
1️⃣ "I want to make sure we're okay given my role change. I don't mean to make it a big thing, but I did want to say it out loud at least once."
2️⃣ "Hey, I'm aware this is a new dynamic with my role changing. I don't want to pretend it isn't, and I also don't want it to just sit unsaid between us and become weird. Is there anything that would be useful from me right now?"
3️⃣ "I want to make sure I acknowledge something - this is a different kind of working relationship than what we had before, and I'm aware of that. I don't want to make it weird by over-managing it, but I also don't want to act like nothing’s changed. How are you doing with the change? Is there anything you need from me?"
You might feel like you don't need to have this conversation, and in some rare cases, it's fine not to...
But most of the time, the other person has been waiting for someone to acknowledge it. The conversation might not be fun, and it might be short. It might even happen again when they are more ready to talk it through. But it's better than the months of low-key weirdness that come from pretending nothing has changed.
The relationship may never go back to exactly what it was. That's okay. But it’s important to define the terms of this new relationship honestly so that each of you can have a clear view of where you stand. That's a foundation you can work from.
